around the roundabout

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I've moved again. What can I say.. It's in my nature to run..


Current Mood: High.. on my super grande soy caramel mochiotto.. flip sake it was gimungous! I seriously can't even function now. I didn't have my glasses on and (yes it has happened a number of times) but I ran into two different walls and couldn't get the glass to my mouth just a second ago! Ahah.

And now, I completely forget what I wanted to write in here. My goodness.

How sad.. I'll have to come back if it comes back to me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Finally Rory is coming to her senses.. I got a sneak peak at the next two upcoming episodes of Gilmore girls :D Until last week's episode I was going to drop the series completely since it was doing my head in. Rory and Loreli not speaking, Rory being stupid - dropping outta Yale and going out with jackass Logan.. well now that Jes is back on the scene.. I'll watch :) He's my favourite outta the guys.. Sarah thinks it's cuz I like the rebel boys.. well yes and no. He's very intellectual. I don't care who wants to argue.. he IS very charming.. especially now that he's back and all "matured".. he's veryyy nice :) He wrote a book.. I think I'm loving authors at the moment, maybe cuz I would kill to publish a book - but had to write something worth reading first.
But it's be weird.. with Luke and Loreli tying the old knot.. Jes and Rory would be step-cousins.. umm can that happen?
Anyways.. just wanted to publisize my love for the man :) Ahaha..


Monday, November 07, 2005

Current Mood: Pretty much on the brink of breaking something.

I hate alcohol and the effects on stupid people that don't even think they have a problem.

I hate money and how stupid people get when it goes to their head.

I hate how the internet's giving me such grief right now.

And I hate my big stupid mouth. I've been studying all last week about the power and destruction the tongue has, and what? That's right.. Monday morning.. not even noon and I screw up SO huge and blow up on someone who needs me to love him instead of try and fix him.

Hope you have a better morning than I have had so far.


Saturday, November 05, 2005

Current Mood: Completely satisfied in Jesus Christ.

You know.. I have known this about myself for a very long time, but I don't think it became real to me until about 6 minutes ago. I need to love myself. I have always had issues with this. I need to accept love from myself, others and Jesus Christ. I can't fully love my neighbour when I don't love myself or accept that Jesus loves me. And I can't keep loving my neighbour "as myself" while I'm beating myself up over the fact I don't feel loved.
Intresting eh?

Also, I think one of the most amazing books I've read is called "Blue Like Jazz" and thanks to Justine, my life has been changed through this book.
I have a friend from Oregon (the dude Donald Miller who wrote that book lives in Portland) and I wrote my friend about this book saying she'd love the raw honesty this guy writes by.. and ahh how amazin this book is. Turns out she grew up with him! I'm so utterly jealous. I've never wanted to meet any authors of any other books than the Bible.. but I want to meet Don. He seems amazing.. I dunno.. true. I'd just love to sit in a cafe in Portland and listen to his story right from his lips. And I want to go to Imago-Dei church in Portland.. I want to visit.
BUT.. as I was complaining to Shawnda just yesterday.. how frikken expensive it is to get to Oregon from here. Bollocks is what I said :(


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Current Mood: Still not eating and sleepin well.

I was sitting downstairs and it dawned on me - I'm a lot like my parents' house. Let me explain.

Our house is slowly aging. It's had the odd repair on it, like getting new roofing, new carpets, painted and fixed up the front room - but that's about it. Our house is over 25 years old and there's a LOT that needs to be fixed up. Take my room upstairs now. *The story is, that I finished my room downstairs and it was cool.. Josh took it when I moved to Belfast, and he won't give it up again* So, I have his old room right next to my parents' room. That means quiet music at night but nothing major. At the moment my room is covered in drywall patches. You have no idea the damage that kid did while at home with school. Where his old desk was, there was a hole the size of a quarter! And ye, there's just patches everywhere.. half my stuff's in boxes. It's an eye sore. I like to keep my room spotless, it's the only place in my life that I can keep under control. My room's my sanctuary.. I can run away to it, and things are just as I left them. But right now it's like a tornado's living in there! I feel that about my heart. I just feel so torn up over so much. For so long I "had it together" and now it's unconrolled.

Next take our bathroom upstairs.. ("upstairs" is the level you are on when you walk into our house..) So this bathroom is SO ugly. Yellow bathtub, toilet and sink. With yellow marble counter tops.. that were all hot in the 70's.. NOT so much now :P In our shower (oh my father would be ragin if he knew I was talkin about the house lol) half the wall is gone because it's all disintegrated. It's sick.. but anyways. There's plastic and duct tape all in the shower.. it's so disturbing. Then the tiles on the floor near the tub - some have come up.. some you just sink a bit if stood on. The ceiling needs a good sanding and re-paint. It's just really gross and grosser in there.

Our basement bathroom is big enough for a 6 year old to turn around in. It was mostly just for Patrick and Josh to shave and brush their teeth in. No one actually really used the bathroom cuz it's pretty gross too. Not gross in the same way as the upstairs.. no this has it's own category. Let's start with the horrible wallpaper! Pink and flowery. Then the toilet and sink are the minty 70's green.. dodgey vynil flooring.. always spiders and bugs. It's the "emergency I-have-to-pee-but-there's-someone-upstairs" bathroom lol. Well just the other week with all this rain the bathroom floor had water constantly all over it. First we thought that it was just the toilet with a leak in the bottom. No no, it's coming from OUTSIDE. The ground had been so wet and soggy.. and the state of that bathroom - voila.. flooding floors.

We need to replace the entire bathroom upstairs.. but that'll leave us 5 peons without a shower for a couple months. HO my life, the amount of work that's got to go into that bathroom.. lol! (My closet backs into the shower in that upstairs bathroom.. so I can't even finish my room properly until the bathroom's all done) So, for us to re-do the bathroom upstairs, firstly dad's gotta pit a shower downstairs somewhere. We first thought about a temporary shower in the laundry room.. a couple hundred bucks.. and then we could do the upstairs bathroom right away. Well, that was NOT going to happen in our house apparently. SO.. now 7 years later we haven't put a shower downstairs yet, or done anything upstairs yet, and my room is still all boxed up and crazily cluttered.

I feel like that's me. I can't fix one thing until I get the other thing fixed first.. but where do I start? I'm glad I'm not in control of the world.. cuz the earth would be a big mess-up :) And I also love that God likes ME just as I am. He can work with my cluttered heart and broken insides :) Amen!

I dunno how many of yous have grandparents that were in the wars.. but both my dad's parents were in WWII. They were brave and they played key roles in my free-country-future. I'm thankful that they sacrificed their lives and minds in order that I'll live in a better country. So, Rememberance Day is coming up. It's never an easy time for me.. I saw an advert last night on tv.. about the veterans.. and I cried! This is the second Rememberance Day without both my grandparents. I still have no closure over my gramma's death - the one that I was a month away from coming home Belfast from ye... ye, I have issues with myself for this. I know it wasn't my fault that she died. She was old and sick, and broke her hip like 2 weeks before she died. But I never even got to say bye before I left for N.Ireland. My grampa's been gone for a couple years.. 10 days after my bday. I don't know why I get so upset about the two of them. They didn't like my brothers and I. Hell, they didn't like my parents either. They had 2 favourites out of their 5 kids.. and the 2 kids' families were the greatest things to hit earth. The rest of us were rejects. I never knew my grandparents but I hurt SO much when I think about them. As I get older I think I realise how much they could have been parts of our lives, but they didn't cuz how they felt towards us. That hurts. My gramma changed a lot, for the better once my grampa died. She was only alive for like 20 months without him, but she talked to my dad again. Apparently my dad would go see my gramma every Monday night after moving out, until my grampa told him not to come around like that. So, once grampa was gone, gramma wanted to see dad. I don't think my grampa believed in anything else but himself.. but I really hope that my gramma ended up believing in God before she died. Who knows. But this topic is over.

Anyways.. last night I was goign through boxes of old letters and cards.. I used to get loads and loads of hand-written letters.. I guess that's cuz I wrote twice as much. I don't anymore. I wasn't able to find my time capsule.. which I really wanted to find from like grade 8. That woulda been cracker for sure!! Awk well.. I laughed really hard when I found some cards and trinkets that brought crazy memories back. Some really tough ones too.

Hope you have a good Thursday morning, afternoon and evening.

Ciao all.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

No more problems.. I'm no longer writing any garbage about my life anymore. I'm being a dumdum (ahha Sheryl) and I'm truely sorry.
If my opinions have something worthy of telling the world.. if not, I'm shutting up big time.
Goodness. I'm a frikken psycho whiner! Shoot me.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Current Mood: Hungry.. but my dinner's almost ready.

Pasta for one.. my life's story lol.

Do you ever feel unqualified for life? I'm there right now.
As Eric Forman said this evening, "We're too old to go trick-or-treating, but we're too younge to die.. what do we do?"
Too right wee man. Too right.

I battle with this a lot in my head. And I know I'm blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed and forgiven in Christ's love.. but it doesn't stop my psychotic mind from doing this to me once in a while.

I just feel.. too young, too old, too nothing to do anything. I feel like I'm pretty much non-existent most days. Yes, I slept, ate, and breathed today, but I'm still thinking..

I'm not married.. or even with someone-but hey, if Bridget can pull Mark Darcy when she's 32.. maybe I have a chance? LOL. I'm not in school yet. Heck, I'm flippin jobless at the moment even! Yes I went to Ireland and Northern Ireland.. but it doesn't make the fact I'm nothing right now right. You know? Like.. I'm doing that gay floating around thing again. I .. Uuugh, I don't even know how to get it out what I'm thinking.

Ok this is random.. but there's this wedding I'm not wanting to go to next year (no, it's no one you know-chuddup) and Michael an I were talkin about it today. I think I'm just going to pretend I'm at the kiddies table or something. Hang with Brenn..(12 yrs old).. I can get decked out in Hilary Duff stuff.. wear pink sparkly lipgloss.. and put my hair in pony tails.. what do you think? I can just picture this wedding. My father sitting at the table drinking diet cola all night not speaking at all. My mother ... and I enjoying our lots and lots of wine. Michael just kicking around.. Patrick.. probably not even coming cuz he'll be in TO for the weekend with Andrea.. and Jman dancing like he's in a rave. Oh goodness.. I really fear this wedding. And it's a weekend ordeal! I can't even just drive out for the ceremony.. I'm stuck there all weekend!!!!! OH man, I want to die. I really do.

It seems like everyone around me has grown up except me. But then sometimes I just feel SO much more mature then some of them and I wanna slap them! Sometimes I'm jealous. Like.. they are all trying on their dresses for their weddings.. and getting engaged and all that. And I'm just still putzing around! Someone always said to me, "Don't get caught up in trying to look for a man.. instead ask God to make you into a Godly woman, and prepare you to be the wife He wants you to be." I think sometimes I'm jealous of the people around me that are all settled in their lives.. and God's still just workin on me. It's not just marriage and all these relationships. I'm so behind even in the education and job department! Now, all my friends have either finished college, uni, or are still in.. Some that have finished have prefessional jobs. Some are back in school already. I'm STILL not. And it's my own fault. I wanted to know what I wanted to do before stepping into uni. Call me stupid, cuz I do all the time. But it buggs me.. what if I just applied to ANYTHING then just switched courses later in time? At least then I'd be in my second year of uni.. on my way to getting an education.. and in the long run getting a job. But no, instead I had to be stupid and work for a year at a job I dreaded going to every morning. So, with the crap that's going on with me.. I quit. Yea :) And now you ask? Oh ye, JOBLESS. Completely screwed since I decided not to get a car cuz I'm moving to Hamilton next Sept if I get accepted to Mac.. where I really don't even want to go, but it's my oly option at this moment in time. I hate how dumb I am. UUUgh.. I'd slap me if I was ..n't me. :P
Maybe I'm just not molding at ALL that He's still smushing me down again and again. I want to be such a Godly person, I want to live such a life that people notice from 10 miles away that I love the Lord and that my life on earth is to please HIM alone. He knows this, so why is he making my heart long for someone? BOO! I want people to see God in me, to look into my eyes and see Christ. I hate living in this world. I hate that it's so hard to wake up and praise God for things going around me. It's so easy to have faith in Jesus Christ, but it's so hard to live for Him every moment of the day while fighting the sinful thoughts of our sinful STUPIDass nature! LOL. Ok, I'll stop.

I'm going to watch the Sequel to Bridget Jones's Diary .. watched the first one last night.. ohh to be single, and home alone eh? I bet you're all jealous now :P

I'll leave you with this quote from Mark Darcy, played by the amazing Colin Firth:
"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are." - Mark Darcy